Still Water and Stars
by flashwitch
Summary: The obligatory Trinity fic. Beckett/McKay slash. Beckett finds McKay on a balcony, drinking away his sorrows. Possibly should be M as there is a sex scene, but it's only in chapter 6. You can skip this chapter and still have the story make sense.
1. Chapter 1

**I was thinking about the stars, when I was reading another fanfic (Making Inroads, in the Mission Impossible series by DangerMouse, which I heartily recommend btw, in fact I recommend all of DM's stuff), because SG1 were talking about what the stars mean to them. And a stray thought attacked and I thought about how most stars that we see at night aren't there anymore. And I just got this image of Rodney looking up from a balcony in Atlantis after the Arcturus disaster.**

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* * *

**

I thought I'd find him out here. It's become a bit of an Atlantis cliché. When something goes wrong, run to the balcony.

"Rodney, mind if I join you?" He just waves a hand, staring at the sky. There's an empty bottle at his feet and a half full one in his other hand.

"Look." He points at the sky.

"Rodney?"

"That one there, Carson. That star. That's the one where Duranda was. All gone now." He giggles and takes a swig. I lower myself to the ground beside him. "I can almost pretend it never happened, because, look! It's still there!"

"Rodney. It wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was. I know that. I accept it. I've apologised for it. What I don't get is whenever I pull off a miracle, it's ignored completely. Just an everyday occurrence. But when I fail? Everybody has a fucking opinion." He swallows another mouthful and I tentatively put my hand on his back.

"I know you didn't do this out of spite or arrogance. You were trying to save everyone."

"That's right. John woke up the Wraith and now everyone looks to me to save the day. No matter what, people expect me to find the answer. I haven't slept through the night since coming here. I just wanted... if it had worked then it could have... it would have..."

"I know. I know." I hate this. He really tries his hardest, bless the man.

"And Collins was dead. Do you know how many people have died? And it's all my fault. They're my responsibility. I'm the smart one. I should be able to save us, shouldn't I?"

"Elizabeth's the one in charge, and Sheppard."

"Yes. I know that Carson. But, with great brains comes great responsibility." I snort at that and get a sad half smile in return.

"Aye, Uncle Ben. I know that. But the average IQ in Atlantis is massive. We all have 'Great Brains' as you put it. It's everyone's responsibility." I think for a moment. "Was I responsible for Hoff, because I was intelligent enough to create the virus, and not smart enough to know what they'd do with it?"

"God, Carson, no!" He turns to face me, which is a good thing. "You were just trying to help, to do the right thing."

"Aye, and so were you. You were trying to save us all. And they have no right to go off on you for failing. You're right, they don't praise you when you succeed, so what right do they have to do the opposite?"

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions, Carson. And I wasn't very... there's a word. I can't think of it." He frowns and takes another sip from the bottle. Crap. He's drunker than I thought. I frown at him, but he just has another mouthful. "Anyway, I was kind of mean is what I mean. I think. No, I know I was mean, but I think it's what I mean." He frowns, confused. I gently take the bottle away from him.

"I doubt this is helping matters, love." Crap. Bugger, bloody hell and Bollocks. I didn't mean to say that.

"Did you just call me love?" He says, trying to get the bottle back with a distinct lack of coordination.

"Aye, I did." Why is my mouth suddenly dry? I take a swig from the confiscated bottle and almost gag. It's strong stuff. I wonder whose still it was made on? Usually, I'd guess Radek's, but I don't think he's likely tp be talking to Rodney tonight, let alone giving him alcohol.

"Why?"

"Because..." moment of truth. Can I tell him? "Because you look so damn sad. And I... care about you." He considers this for a second and then leans forward and kisses me, hard. Sadly, he misses my mouth.

"I don't want to be alone tonight, Carson." He looks up at me and his eyes are full of tears. I'll get him to bed, take care of him but I won't take advantage of him. Not when he's in this state.

* * *

I slept on the sofa and he had the bed. He kept trying to jump me, feeling me up. It was damn hard to refuse him, and I was left hard and feeling empty. I'm not sure if I want him to remember or not. As much as I love him, as much as I want him, the daft git just wanted some human contact last night. He'd probably have tried to shag anyone who offered him comfort. I don't want to start something with him when he's this vulnerable. I mean, I love him, and I probably will end up starting something, but it would be nice to know he actually wanted me as well. I don't even know if he's gay or bi or what. I don't want to take advantage. Oh crap. He's waking up. Time to face the music.

He sits up. Still half asleep, he makes his way to the loo to relieve himself. I stand up from my nest on the sofa. He's throwing up. I run in and rub his back gently as he vomits.

"C-Carson?" He asks as he notices me. "You stayed?"

"Of course I did you daft apeth." I say as I hand him a glass of water.

"And we didn't..."

"No. Though not for lack of trying on your part."

"Then... thank you, but I'm fine now." Wonderful. I was afraid of this. He's shutting down on me. I force him to meet my eyes.

"Rodney, love, I care a great deal about you, but what sort of a man do you think I am? Do you honestly think I'd take advantage of you in the condition you were in last night?" He has the decency to blush.

"Sorry. No." He looked down at his hands.

"Look, I wanted to do more, and some of what you were doing was making it damn hard to say no. But, I know how vulnerable you are right now."

"That just means I want you more!" He says, jerking his head up. "OW! Sudden movements make the drummer in my head mad." He pouts at me, puppy dog eyes and all.

"Come on, lad. Let's get you to the infirmary. I'll hook you to an IV. Don't expect this every time you're stupid enough to get drunk." I warn as I help him to his feet. I sling his arm over my shoulders as we make our way there. "I'll tell Elizabeth that you won't be in."

"No need. Barring an emergency, I'm grounded for the next three days. No work, no play. My room, mess or infirmary."

Bugger. The thing is, most people wouldn't mind being kept off work for three days, but for Rodney, it's a big punishment. And the ironic thing is that something will probably happen that will force him back into work, and end with him saving us all yet again. But I doubt anyone will notice, whereas this failure will probably be mentioned for years to come. I notice as we move along the corridors that no one will look at us. Although, a few have pointed, and I've heard some whispers. It's not going to be a fun time for Rodney.

"Carson?" He says as I get him into bed (the man is infuriating, this is the second bed I've helped him into since I slipped and called him 'Love', and neither of them involve getting naked!).

"Yes, Rodney?"

"Thanks for this."

"No worries, lo-Rodney." I'm going to have to watch my propensity for pet names whilst in the work place.

He soon drifted off with the sedatives I fed into the iv, and I left strict instructions not to disturb him. I need to go talk to Elizabeth. Ask what the bloody hell she thinks she's doing. That poor man is nearly broken, and instead of support, he gets punishment.

* * *

**Reviews are love. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Rodney's in a bad way and getting worse. **

* * *

I made my way to Elizabeth's office, and burst in, very impolitely. It's not at all like me, and I know I surprised her.

"Carson? Is something wrong?"

"Is something wrong?" I repeat, unable to believe it. "Other than Rodney nearly killing himself?" Okay, so I exaggerate, but not by much.

"What?" Good. She's shocked.

"I found him trying to drink himself to death last night, near suicidal. I don't know what ye were thinking berating him in front of everyone like ye did." My accent's coming through strong. It does when I'm upset. "Do ye give him one word of praise when he saves the day? No, but he makes one mistake... did you even consider why he did it? Why he ignored Radek, and was so desperate?" I don't give her a chance to answer. "He's burning out. He's not got a good night's sleep since we moved to this bloody city. He's buggered to put it bluntly. How many times has he saved all of us? He's head scientist, and that comes with more responsibilities than you realise. Do you know he checks over every single piece of work his people do?"

"Yes, I often get complaints about that." She frowns at me, and I shake my head. She doesn't get it.

"Well, it's not because of pride, whatever you may think. He's terrified, and he holds himself responsible for every one of his people, and everything they do. He's still carrying every single person who's died since we came here. He still holds himself responsible. Do you know he has a list in his rooms of every person who's died and how he could have saved them?"

"No. No, I didn't know that." She looks troubled, and I'm perversely pleased.

"He just... he saw a way to save us all and stop the Wraith. He saw a way to justify the deaths to himself. He saw a way to finally get a day off."

"I didn't realise..."

"You didn't care to look. As long as he's saving the day, no one's actually bothered with the man. Do you know about the hassle he's gotten from the Marines who've rotated through from Earth? Do you know about the sniping and... and... _bullying_ the man puts up with? Because he honestly thinks he deserves it!" I'm actually shaking with anger. "He's mocked and ignored, and the only way he can get anyone to pay the slightest attention is to bluster and brag and even then, he's mostly treated like crap! The worst of it is that the man has real medical conditions, which are ignored or made fun of. I had him in the infirmary just the other day because SGA4 didn't listen when he told them he needed to stop for a break and something to eat. They told him there was no time and told him they'd continue with or without him. He pushed himself, and carried on. Aye, he complained all the while, but he got the job done. You have to hand it to the man, he does do what needs to be done, even if he does moan away. Of course, he had a hypoglycaemic episode, and collapsed as soon as he got back to Atlantis, and judging by his blood sugar, he should have collapsed half an hour earlier, but he refused to. Am I really the only one who sees that side of him?"

"No, you're not. I apologise." Elizabeth's voice has gone all hard and fierce. "I didn't realise quite how bad things had gotten for him."

"No, I suppose you wouldn't. The man is an insufferable pratt sometimes, and he's very good at pretending with that attitude of his." I sigh. I shouldn't be taking my mood out on Elizabeth like this. I've been ranting away. "I'm sorry, Elizabeth. But I was really scared for him last night. I've got no right to take it out on you."

"No, you're quite right. I've taken my eye off the ball. I'll investigate your concerns, and I owe Rodney an apology."

"He deserved the telling off, for risking himself and John, if nothing else. But by doing it in front of everyone, you undermined his already precarious position." I explain. "His staff respect him, mostly, and the soldiers who've been here from the beginning, they know better than to piss him off, but the newer staff, they just see his ego. And with this... they didn't really need another excuse to snub him."

"I _will_ look into it. You have my word."

* * *

I headed back to the infirmary, and got to work. I checked on the mice, treated a burnt hand, a couple of marines who'd got into it with Teyla, and a broken leg. Everything was going fine until Radek walked in. I wasn't sure what to say to him.

"Carson. Is he here?"

"If I say yes, what will you do?"

"I need to talk to him."

"Can't you run the department for one bloody day?" I regretted it as soon as I said it. "Sorry, Radek. But he's in a bad way."

"I realise. I have a problem in the labs though."

"And I'm sure you can figure it out. You do head up your own department, and whatever Rodney says, I know he values your intelligence."

"That bad?"

"That bad." I pause, unsure of how to continue. "Did... did he apologise?"

"Yes. Repeatedly. And he actually meant it." Radek looked mildly surprised. "I know he did not mean what he said, when I tried to tell him he was wrong, but that is what hurts."

"I see."

"He is my friend also. I know that you believe you are the only one who cares for him, but many of us do."

"I know that Radek. But the man's hurting."

"I shall see if I can solve problem myself. Tell Rodney I stopped by."

* * *

After lunch, I went into the private room where I'd stashed Rodney. He was still sleeping peacefully. God knows he needs it. I sat for a minute beside the bed, I needed a break. I just love to watch him sleep. He's so... I don't know how to describe it. Peaceful, is one word, but it doesn't really sum it up. He's always full of tension when he's awake. When he's asleep, the care and stress just melts away from him. He never truly relaxes, but sleeping is the closest he gets.

Ah well, no rest for the wicked. I'll leave Rodney sleeping, there's a gate team coming in under fire.


	3. Chapter 3

I didn't get the chance to check on Rodney again until quite a bit later. When I did, he was gone. I can't find him, and I'm starting to get really worried. Maybe what I said to Elizabeth about suicide wasn't so out there. I've checked the labs, his quarters, everywhere. God, he can't do this to me. Not now.

I don't want to have to call Sheppard. Rodney doesn't need that right now. But I'm running out of places to search. I even checked all the balconies. I'll go by my quarters, grab a snack and try to think of anywhere else he could be hiding. If I still can't find him then I will call someone.

* * *

"Hey."

He's in my rooms. Just sitting there, curled up, like a cat, on my sofa. I can honestly say that's the last thing I expected to see.

"Hey? I've been worried sick about you! You just disappeared from the infirmary, none of my staff remembers seeing you leave, even though I asked them to keep an eye on you, and after last night..." I trailed off, noticing the bottle of wine and the two glasses sitting on the table.

"I'm sorry." He said quietly, looking abashed. "I didn't mean to make you worry, I just... I couldn't stay there, but I didn't want to go back to my quarters..." He shrugs and I want to hug him.

"I didn't mean to go off on you, but you do make me fret."

"I... I got some wine." He offers in a conciliatory manner.

"Where did you get wine?"

"It's Athosian. I have no idea if it's any good or not."

"Hmm. I'll do us some dinner then." I smile and some subtle tension melts out of him.

We've been friends for years, since Antarctica. It shouldn't be this awkward between us.

* * *

I go into the small kitchen area. I've got one of the bigger quarters, the open plan ones. It has a small bedroom with an ensuite bathroom, and a living area with a couch, a table and chairs, and a cooking area. I don't keep much food in stock because we all prefer eating together in the mess hall, but I do have a couple of MREs which I can easily heat up.

"Were... were you really worried about me?"

I turn around and find him looking at me, half afraid, half wistful.

"Of course I was. I still am."

"You are?"

"I..." Oh, God. I'm going to have to say it. I was hoping to put this conversation off until he was less vulnerable, but... "I love you, ye daft git. Of course I was worried."

"Wow. Oh, I wasn't... Carson... I..."

"It's okay. I'm not expecting anything. You're my friend first. Come on, the MREs are done."

We sit down at the table and each open our meals. Macaroni cheese.

"Tastes like chicken." Rodney quips as he shovels it in. I laugh, because he's still here. Still joking with me.

"Aye. That it does."

I pour the wine and he takes a hasty swallow.

"So..."

"So?"

"You're gay?"

"Bi. I do prefer the lads though." I wasn't sure we'd ever have this conversation. Now that we are, I find myself unsure of what to say. I take a gulp of the wine. Not bad. "you?"

"I... I guess I'm bi too. But most of my relationships have been with women. With men... one night stands." He takes another mouthful of wine, and I wonder ruefully how quickly we'll get drunk tonight.

"Well, I'd be wanting a little more than a one night stand." He meets my eye, and then blushes. Blushes! Rodney McKay, blushing.

"Oh. Right. Yes, well..."

"Rodney, it's alright. I'm not going to jump you."

"You aren't? I'd... I think I'd like that."

"Really?" I raise an eyebrow, amused. "Well, if you are amenable, we might get to that."

"Amenable? Carson, what do you think I'm doing here? I even brought wine!"

"What about your infatuation with Samantha Carter?"

"Well, yes. There is that. But it's never going to happen, and if it did, I'd probably die. The woman has the kiss of death. Literally. In fact, my luck turned to crap after she gave me a peck on the cheek."

"I'll not be second to anybody. If we go into this, I want it to be because you want to be with _me_. Not because you want someone to shag while you're waiting for Mr, or Mrs Right. I'll not be a fuck buddy." The look on his face when I said the word 'fuck'. It's not that I _never_ swear, I do, but rarely and always with reason. I doubt he's heard me say it in this context either.

"I think... I know I care about you, and I want to... explore this." He reaches out and takes my hand, and his is shaking. I can't believe it.

After dinner, we make our way over to the sofa and curl up together. He pecks a kiss on my cheek, sweet as anything. I want to kiss him, taste him, but I don't want to scare him off.

"Rodney." I say. "You need to promise me that this... that it isn't just because you're feeling alone, or anything like that. I don't... I can't do this, if it's just..." I trail off, unable to meet his eyes.

"Hey." He puts a hand under my chin and lifts my face. "I care about you too, okay? Do you really think I'd use you like that?" He's throwing my words back at me. I said I'd not take advantage of him, and asked what sort of man he thought I was.

"I'm sorry."

"It's alright." He gives me a rueful smile. "I think we've both been too much alone." I have to kiss him now. I need him.

Our lips meet hungrily, tasting, claiming.

I don't want to go too far too soon, and pull back. He follows me, making a hungry whimper at the loss of contact.

Maybe... maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe... maybe we could do more.

He pushes forward and we kiss again, his tongue darting into my mouth. His hand roams up under my t shirt, stroking, and I stop thinking.

"Bed?" I gasp.

"Bed." He grins.


	4. Chapter 4

When my alarm goes off in the morning, it's met by twin groans. Then Rodney remembers where he is. He sits bolt upright and looks at me as if I'm going to attack him.

"Easy, lad. I do nae bite." I yawn, still half asleep. He snorts in answer and points at a red hickey standing out on his neck.

"I meant to leave before..." Rodney looks down at his lap and I have to swallow a sudden lump in my throat. He can't mean what I think he does.

"You were going to sneak out on me?"

"No! Well, yes. I was but not like that! I just... I don't think it's a good idea to tell people."

"What? Why?"

"I'm guessing that you've never been out in a military environment."

"And you have?"

"Yeah. Once. But I've seen things happen to friends too." His voice is quiet, and I reach out to take his hand. "I was going to head back to my room, make it look like I slept there..."

"You've crashed on my couch before. Do nae worry, lad. They'll just think you fell asleep during the movie again."

"I suppose. Do you realise your accent is stronger when you've just woken up?"

"Is it?"

"Yeah."

"I never noticed." I smile. "Come on. Let's have a shower, I need to be at the infirmary in 45 minutes."

* * *

I left him in my rooms and headed to the infirmary. I couldn't hold back a smirk when I found John Sheppard and Radek sitting in my office.

"Hello, lads. Everything alright?"

"Fine. I don't know why I'm here." Sheppard scowls.

"I tried to find Rodney and I can't. I thought that maybe you'd seen him." Radek said. "I wanted to talk to him."

"Well, he spent the night on my sofa."

"Is... is he okay?" Sheppard asks me, but I can tell he resents the fact that he is worried.

"No." I tell it like it is. "He's screwed up. He knows he made a mistake, but the way everyone has been treating him, especially you Colonel, is really hurting him. How many times has he saved everyone? And what's more painful to him is that all he wanted was to have a solution."

"No, what he wanted was to be right." Sheppard drawls, and I lose my temper a bit.

"You don't know him at all, do you? An ye call yeself his friend! He just wanted to find a way to protect everyone. He's not a soldier, and he's watched some of his closest friends die, and he blames himself. For every single death. He just wanted to find something, anything, that could save some lives. Aye, he was blind and arrogant, but because he didn't want it to fail."

Sheppard had the decency to look abashed.

"I... he never talks about anything serious like that."

"Have you ever tried to talk to him about it? I sincerely doubt it. You ignore him as long as he's saving people."

"Hey! That's not true!"

"No? So, when he failed, you didn't turn your back on him?"

"I... it wasn't because he failed..."

"He trusts you, you know." I shake my head. "I think you both need to talk to him, but I'm not going to push him into it if he doesn't want to. Now, I have actual work to do."

I can't stop thinking of Rodney. Part of me is worrying about him, but another part of me is going over and over what we did last night and again this morning in the shower. We didn't actually... I mean, there was no... penetration. We just... loved each other. Caressing each other's bodies. I think he believed me when I told him I loved him. He said it back, but I'm not sure he meant it.

I wonder if Sheppard's gone to see him yet.


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry the last chap was so short. This one's longer. **

* * *

When I make it back to my rooms for the night, Rodney is there again. I don't think he's moved off the sofa all day. He has his radio out in front of him and appears to be fiddling with it, probably fine tuning it or something.

"Alright, love?"

"What did you do?" He asks it in such a calm, curious tone, and I'm not sure what he means.

"Sorry?"

"I've had people coming here all day. Elizabeth, Radek, Sheppard, all apologising. Being...nice. I know you had something to do with it."

"Okay. Maybe I gave Elizabeth and John a piece of my mind, but Radek wanted to see you when you were hungover in the infirmary. He didn't need me to yell at him." I take off my radio and I head to the kitchen area to get life giving caffeine.

"Oh." He shakes his head. "I think it's because I apologised to him. Before."

"Did you apologise to Sheppard and Elizabeth, too?"

"Of course, but... I understand why they don't trust me. I apologised again to all of them."

"And how did that go?" I pour two mugs of coffee and hand one to him.

"Am I really that pathetic?"

"Excuse me?" I almost choke on my coffee.

"I screwed up. I know I did, and I know that John and Elizabeth would need time to get over that. Now, a few words from you and they're falling over themselves to make it up to me. What did you tell them? That I'm suicidal? That I'm drinking myself to death? What?" I can't answer. "And what right do you have to interfere with my life? What made you think I wanted this?"

"You don't want them to be friends with you?"

"It's easier." His voice becomes a whisper, but he was shouting a minute ago. "If I don't care..."

"Then they can't hurt you. Och mo charaid, who has hurt you?" I put my hand on his shoulder, and he turns away, but doesn't move out of reach.

"I... it's safer this way. I know John doesn't trust me now. The next time I make a mistake..."

"That's John's problem, not yours. Everyone makes mistakes, mo leannan." I hug him to me but he pulls away. I have a few choice words for my fellow Atlantians right now. How is it that I'm the only one who sees this man for who he is? Doesn't anyone see his vulnerability?

"The next time you make a mistake, it will be an accident, and inevitable, just as Arcturus was. Do I deserve to be punished for Hoff? Or for the dozens of mistakes I made when I was researching the gene therapy? Or even the mistake I made with that drone back in Antarctica?"

"No, of course not. That wasn't your fault." I raise an eyebrow, and he waves a hand acerbically. "it's not the same for you."

"What? Why?" I want to take offense, but I have a sinking suspicion I'm being complimented.

"You're a nice guy. Everyone likes you. It wouldn't matter if you were the most useless man in two galaxies, because you're...well, too damn likeable! No one could possibly hate you. Me? I'm a horrible person. A heartless bastard. The only thing of importance I have, the only thing about me that matters is my intellect. The only reason anyone even deigns to be nice to me is because I'm the only one who can save our collective asses. I've seen it before. And when I start failing, when I can't come up with a plan to rescue us all, then I'm worthless, and I'll be shipped back on the _Daedalus _ like so much obsolete equipment. And I _can't." _ He sounds so heart-broken. "I _can't_ go back. For the first time in my life..." He trails off and I can't help myself. I just hold him.

"What happened to you? How can you possibly believe that about yourself?" I stroke his hair and he clings to me like a drowning man. In a way, I suppose, he is drowning, and I'm playing the life guard. "You may not have the social graces God gave an amoeba, but you really aren't that bad."

"You have to say that you're my..." He stops and swallows and looks at me nervously before burying his head in my shoulder. He seems afraid that I'll see what he nearly said as presumptious, but my heart is jumping for joy.

"Your boyfriend? Aye, I am. And your mine." I say as mildly as I can. "But that doesn't stop me from telling you the truth. I can think of a dozen examples of you as a good man, off the top of my head."

"Like?" It's a challenge.

"Like when we were on that God-forsaken desert planet. Dr Simmons forgot his water, and you gave him your canteen without a second thought."

"Well, stupidity shouldn't be a death sentence, and as bad as Simmons is with common sense, he's actually rather intelligent, and I need him here."

"Okay, so what about the time you stepped in front of a gun for Elizabeth?"

"How did you...?"

"Oh, aye. She told me about that, how you were tortured instead of her, how you refused to talk until he hurt you bad enough..."

"No."

"What?"

"I didn't talk until he threatened to do to Elizabeth what he did to me."

"And you called yourself a heartless bastard!"

There was a furious pounding at the door, shocking us both.

* * *

"Rodney! Carson! Is Radek. Open the door!" We exchange confused looks, and I got up and headed over to the door.

"Radek, is everything alright?" He doesn't answer me, and heads straight towards Rodney, grabbing up the radio from the chair beside him. He fiddled with it for a moment.

"Rodney, you were broadcasting city wide."

"What!" We exclaim as one. I look at Rodney and wonder if my face is anywhere near as red as his.

"You were working on the radio, yes? Trying to extend the range as we discussed?"

"Yes."

"You must have triggered the city wide broadcasting. We all heard your conversation."

"Hang on. If we triggered the city wide, why didn't it broadcast in here?"

"This was one of the sections damaged by flooding. There are many. We haven't managed to repair all yet." He tilted his head. "I suppose that not all heard your talk then. Many sections have similar damage to yours."

"How come no one came and told us sooner?" I ask, upset that mine and Rodney's privacy has been so invaded.

"We tried reaching you both over radio." He shrugs and I looked at my radio on the counter, and then turn back to Rodney. He's gone all pale and sits down on the sofa.

"They heard all of that?"

"Easy, Rodney lad. Remember to breathe."

"Carson, you don't get it, do you? They already hate me, and now they have even more ammunition to use against me!" He slams a fist into the chair. "Remember a couple of months ago when the Marines beat me up? That was just on suspicion of being gay. Now they have proof!"

"Love, I'm sure it's not as bad as all that."

"It's not bad for you!" Rodney suddenly shouted. "I told you, everybody loves you!"

"I will go now." Radek said sensibly and headed out the door.

"Bye Radek, thanks!" I call after him.

Rodney is getting close to hyperventilating.

"Easy, love. I promise, I won't let this hurt you. Who knows, maybe now they understand you a little better..."I wince, knowing that my cheerfulness would just annoy Rodney. But he surprised me.

"You and your unfailing optimism." He actually gives me one of those sweet crooked smiles. "I'm not sure whether to hate you for it, or love you."

"I love you too, mo leannan."

"You really mean that, don't you?" he looks at me, and there's such yearning in his face.

"Of course I do. I thought you knew that."

"I..." He takes a deep breath. "I love you too."

"Aye, I know."

"You know?" He smacks my arm, but his face clears and he gives me an honest to God grin. It's like the sun coming out from behind the clouds. "Bed. Now."

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**Gaelic in story:**

**Mo Charaid: My friend. **

**Mo Leannan: My beloved. **


	6. Chapter 6

**HERE THERE BE MAN SEX! It is explicit and rated M. **

**If this offends you, please skip over this chapter. All you need to know is that Rodney and Carson make love. Then we shall be returned to our regularly scheduled T rating. **

**Thank you.**

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**Seriously. If explicit male on male sex offends you, skip this chapter. **

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We go to the bed, and I slip off my jacket. He does the same, as our mouths meet in a hungry kiss. I feel his hand, warm and real, sliding up under my t shirt.

"Off." He orders, and we pull at each other's tops. I kick off my shoes and socks, and he does the same. His hand skims over my chest and his thumb brushes a nipple. I gasp, and retaliate by pulling his fly open and dipping my hand in to cup his half hard cock. He moans and pushes me down so I'm lying on the bed. He's on top of me and we're thrusting into heat and friction, and it feels so good. He places kisses down my neck and moves down onto my chest, sucking a hardened pink nub into his mouth and biting lightly. I squeeze his erection and grin.

"Still too many clothes." I manage, and we both scramble to remove the rest of our clothing. He's naked and hard before me and I just look at him. There's a drop of pre-cum at the end of his dick, which is fairly substantial and uncut (like my own). I sit on the bed.

"God you're beautiful." I tell him and he blushes. "Come here." I can feel his eyes on me as he approaches, greedily taking in every detail. "I want to suck you." I tell him, and he closes his eyes, gripping the base of his shaft hard, to stop himself coming. I reach out and place each hand on a firm yet round hip, pulling him towards me. I lick the pearly fluid up and he shivers, gasping. I grin. I can't help it. I love giving blow-jobs. For me, it's the highest mark of trust. Putting ones most private part into someone's mouth, where there are teeth, seems much more intimate and potentially dangerous than many other ways to get off. A blow job, for me, is a mark that this is a relationship. Not a buddy fuck.

I take him into my mouth and set to, sucking hard. He moans and I feel his hands in my hair. I want our lovemaking to last, but at the same time I desperately want to make him come. I back off, licking my fingers to wet them, before taking his balls into my mouth, one at a time. He makes the most wonderful noise. With my damp fingers, I stroke backwards to his hole and rub his sphincter in small circles.

I lick a stripe up his cock up to the head, and feel rather than see him shudder. I lap at the head, fisting the rest of his cock roughly.

"God, Carson. I can't... too much... you keep that up and I'm going to come."

"Coming is good." I smile, backing off a little. "Go ahead and come." I lean back in and take him all the way down as far as I can. Then, I hum and at the same time, I thrust one of my damp fingers into his bum. Then I'm swallowing hot salty fluid, and he's moaning and gasping through his orgasm. I feel his knees start to go and I grab his hips, pulling him down onto the bed beside me.

I'm so hard I'm aching.

"God, Carson. That was... oh God." His voice has that lazy post orgasmic quality to it and I can't help my grin. "Carson. I want you in me."

"Love, are you sure? We've only been dating a couple of days."

"Officially maybe. But I figure we've been 'courting' each other for a couple of years now."

"All that time wasted." I smile, and look into his eyes. I'm happy with what I see there, so I nod, slowly. "Alright, love."

I grab the lube from the bedside drawer and slick up my fingers. Then I have a better idea.

"Pull your legs up." I say and he does, bending his knees, exposing himself. Offering himself to me. I got down between his legs and licked his ass cheeks.

"What are you...?" Rodney asked.

I answered him by pushing my tongue into his crack, licking a swatch of musty flesh. I proceed to rim him until he was putty in my hands, melting onto the bed. He's already half hard again. He's getting louder and writhing on the bed, trying to push down and take more of my tongue into him. I respond by pulling away. I'm not imagining that whimper as I back off, am I? I ease my hands between his legs and stroke his thighs with my un-lubed hand. With the other, I reach down and carefully work my first finger into him, gently stroking. I prepare him slowly, finger by finger, until he's quivering puddle on the sheets.

"Are you ready, love?"

"Carson, if I get any more ready, I'll melt right off the bed."

"Alright." I twist my fingers, grazing his prostate and his hips jolt off the bed.

"Fuck me, Carson!"

I chuckle and slick myself up. I push in slowly, groaning at the tight warmth. It's obviously been a while for my Rodney. I like the sound of that. My Rodney. I hold still, letting him adjust.

"Move!"

Alright, so much for adjusting. I begin to thrust into him, slow at first, then slowly speeding up.

"More, oh God, harder!"

Happy to oblige. God, it's so good.

"Rodney!" I gasp out.

"Carson."

"Love you!" I feel him cum as I say it, and his muscles contract around me. I cum with a shout and collapse down onto him.

"Love you too." He croaks out, and kisses me, hard.

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**This is the first sex scene I've written and published. Any and all feedback would be appreciated. The rest of the story is back to being T.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Final Chapter. This is the wrap up. **

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Rodney, oblivious as he is, noticed the change the next day. We walked through the city together, holding hands. People we barely knew came up to us and congratulated us. Everyone was being just wonderful. They treated us with kindness, and I think people understand My Rodney better now. I couldn't hold back a smile when one of the Chef's came and handed him a mug of coffee and a chocolate muffin. Rodney had avoided the Mess Hall this morning, not wanting to deal with crowds, and obviously his absence was noted.

"Here you are, Doc. Can't have you passing out from manly hunger!" The teasing had a light note to it that hadn't been there before.

Our people found ways to show their support without invading our privacy. I was glad of that, for Rodney's sake. He's on edge enough as it is. The poor man keeps everyone at such distance, and his tower, with it's huge walls, has been breached by the entire city. He didn't deserve this. I want to be angry on his behalf, but I'm tired of being angry. And this one is no one's fault.

I dropped him off in his lab, and hoped that it would be okay. He'd wanted to hide in my quarter's this morning, but Radek came along to drag him out. I made sure he'd be okay. I walked him down to the lab. And so far, everyone seems to be supportive...

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"Hey, Doc."

"Major Lorne. What can I do for you, son?"

"I just wanted you to know that you and Rodney have my support, and that of my team. If you have any trouble... just let me know. And I know Sheppard feels the same way."

"Thank you. That means a lot. To me, and more importantly to Rodney."

"I always thought McKay was a good guy, but after hearing you guys talking... he's really..." Lorne pauses, trying to work out how to say what he wanted.

"Human?" I ask.

"Yeah." He looks embarrassed, so I just smiled at him.

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It's about an hour or so after that that Rodney comes to find me.

"Carson."

"Rodney, how's things?"

"Well, half your staff have come to me and threatened me with imminent death should I hurt you."

"Aye, your team and Radek came and gave me a similar talk." The look of his face is priceless. He looks honestly shocked that they'd do that for him, and I just have to lean in and kiss him. It's gentle and tender, and he's smiling when I pull back.

"Aw." It's one of my nurses, and I wave her away with a smile and a wink.

"Kavanagh was an ass." Rodney tells me.

"And this is news how?"

"Well, everyone else was being really weird. Treating me... I don't know. Different. But Kavanagh, he was even more obnoxious than usual. And I may have kinda, sorta hit him."

"What!"

And then the door opened and in comes Lorne supporting Kavanagh, who has blood pouring down his face.

"Hey, Doc."

"I'm not letting that faggot touch me!" Kavanagh protested and pulled away.

"I see what you mean." I tell Rodney. Lorne drags Kavanagh off to have Biro deal with him. I take Rodney's hand. "But on the whole?"

"Well, it's strange. But good I think."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

We exchange a smile. Not everything is perfect, but it's getting better. We have each other, and that's enough for now.

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**Review! Pretty please!**


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